What???

A couple of weeks ago, Dustin started saying, "What?" after every single thing that Tim and I told him.

"Hey buddy, can you put your clothes away?"

'What?"

"Put your clothes away."

"What?"

"CLOTHES. AWAY. NOW."

And this went on for quite a while. It seemed to happen more often when we were asking him to do something, so I assumed he had developed the male selective hearing technique and so I let him have it. "DUSTIN! Stop saying "what" all the time! I KNOW you can hear me. You just had your hearing tested at school and you passed, so there's no excuse!" He looked at me with his intense 5-year-old eyes and said, "But Mom, I just really can't hear you." So I said, "Well, you're gonna have to think of something other than "what" to say to me, because I'm going CRAZY!!!"

Then one day he came home from school after a really rough week. He hadn't been listening to me, he was being sassy and I was about ready to pull my hair out. Anyway, he comes off the bus and five minutes later is screaming that his ear is hurting. Awesome. We manage to get into the doctor right away, which was such a blessing when you have a kid in pain. The doctor checks him out. And of course, big fat ear infection. I mention that he has been complaining that he can't hear and she says she's not surprised because both his ears are completely filled with fluid. Dustin immediately whips his head around to me, points his finger, and says, "SEE MOM! I TOLD you I couldn't hear you. I TOLD you I was telling the truth. So don't ever get mad at me again, OKAY!!" Yes, folks, hand over the Mother of the Year Award to the Mom who got called out by her 5-year-old in front of her pediatrician. Thankfully, the doctor was totally nice, and we discussed that he's probably always had fluid in his ears (which is why we've had SO MANY ear infections) and referred him to a specialist so we can see how necessary tubes might be.

So lesson learned :)

Baby Blues

School is in full swing for both Audrey and Dustin. Audrey is going to Madison Teens and Tots and she seems to enjoy it. She likes having a teen partner to do whatever she asks. Like pushing her on the swing, or coloring fish, flowers and ladybugs. She is growing up so fast. Dustin loves riding the bus home from kindergarten and I'm so happy with his teacher. And even though having a four-year-old and five-year-old is great, and I feel really blessed, I really miss having a baby. I love that both my kids are big enough to go potty, put on seat belts and get themselves dressed, but I feel like we've pretty much climbed over the baby hill and we're starting to march through the trenches of all things "kid." I've always been hopeful for another pregnancy and I'm worried that if it doesn't happen soon, the age gap will be too great and it will feel like starting all over again.

So what to do? I hear a lot of people tell me, "At least you got one! You should be thankful!" And of course I am. And I'm so grateful for a successful adoption. A son and a daughter is a huge blessing. I totally recognize that. But it is still devastating to hear that the fertility medication didn't work and my next option is IVF. But that doesn't feel right. I'm positive there's other things that can be done. The Fertility Center has been a joke these past five years. I feel like all they want is my money. Isn't there some great doctor out there who will actually care about me and take the time to figure out why its not working?

I'm sitting on a metaphoric fence. On one side, I climb down and sell all of my baby stuff, accept that I have a cute family of 4, and move on. Getting off on the other side means spending lots of time and money, going through grueling tests, lab results, and medications that make me cry for no reason, and give me hot flashes so hot I feel like I'm one fire. (I'm so sorry for every woman who has gone through menopause. From what I can tell, it basically sucks) And while the physical part of infertility is, well, crappy. It's the emotional aspect that really roughs you up. Trying to understand "why?" is a dark and dangerous void that can suck you up and make you feel completely worthless. But it's all for the hope that I will get to bring one more spirit into the world. And how can I say it's not worth the price, or struggle?

I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way except everyone in my world has just had a baby, or is pregnant, and Andrew is no longer my baby. I'm usually really positive, or I at least try to be, but the "why?" void is so easy to get sucked up into. I know its going to be ok, I just wish I had some direction. I wish the very best of luck to anyone going through anything similar.

I Was Anti-Blogger for a While, But I'm Over it

Blogger really made me mad a while ago. I made a huge post with video, pictures, and plenty of gut busting dialoge, and do you know what happened?? Blogger started having technical difficulties, and erased the WHOLE THING. I also can't stand how long it takes to load anything on this site, but as my title says, I'm over it. I figure it's worth it to have something to look back on, because we all know that I'm anti-scrapbooking/crafts/anything that requires a glue gun. So, here goes...

I last posted 6 months ago, and we have been on several adventures since then. Easter happened, which was fun and cute and full of candy and egg hunting. Dustin graduated preschoool. I really loved Norkenzie. Audrey and Dustin met so many great friends in their classes and had a great year. Both the kids took swimming lessons which and it was so great to have them in the pool at the same time. Then Dustin went to Safety Town for 2 weeks which was such a great program! He loved it and learned so much! We went to Saint George and celebrated Audreys birthday. Then we went and stayed with my Mom and had our very first adventure at Knotts Berry Farm which had some super fun and amazing roller coasters and we got to visit with my sister and her husband.

Audrey turned 4 and she had a super fantastic day. Her Aunt made her the amazing my little pony cake, and she got spoiled at her grandparents house. Then Tim and I took the kids to the circus, which was really fun, and she had her party at ChuckECheese with all her friends. She is so fun right now and getting so big! She is starting preschool at Madison Middle School this year, and I hope she loves it as much as Norkenzie.

Dustin started kindergarten this year and I cannot believe he is in elementary school. I struggled to know which school would be best for him, but Irving has been really great so far and I love, love, love, Mrs. Boling. He's still getting to know his classmates, but he only goes from 8:30-11:00 M-F, so it's taking time to make friends. He also is so happy to ride the bus home which adds a little extra time for me. My neighbor Stephanie and I are carpooling our kids for preschool and Irving, and it is so wonderful to have a next-door neighbor with kids the same age and in the same schools! It is such a blessing to have her help this year.

Andrew also went to live with his grandma this summer which was hard. He was with us for nearly a year and I was sad to see him go. I was hoping he would be our third, but maybe 4 is the number for us. I won't dwell on it, because I'm trying to be positive, but we are taking a break from foster care. It's just too hard.

I hope I will be more diligent in keeping up with the events in our lives. Mostly because I feel like my kids aren't going to be little for very much longer and I have to document every cute thing before it's over!

Another Year Older For the Boys!

My baby boy turned 5. Wow. I can't believe it. But I think 5 is gonna be great! He's such a good kid. A little demanding at times, a little overwhelming at times, but mostly he's kind and loving and cares so much about other people. He had the best birthday week ever! My Mom flew in, which is always fun, and we had cake, ice cream, mini golf, rides at the kiddie fair, and tons of eating out (my favorite!). And we had his "friend party" at the National Academy of Gymnastics and it was SO AWESOME! We couldn't have picked a better place to have a party. Trampolines, a huge pirate ship to jump off of, an obstacle course for the kids to run through, rings, bars, everything 5 year olds want to do! My dad picked up all the kids and "flew" (they were pretending to be airplanes) them into the foam pit, and that was a huge hit! Thanks to my Dad and Robin for helping me so much that day! I felt so great that Dustin has such great friends in his preschool class and at church.

Oh yeah, and Tim turned 30! I feel bad for the guy because, let's face it, his birthday will always be overshadowed by Dustin's. But he got an amazing new alarm clock, an imac computer, and an r/c monster truck. He got Dustin one for his birthday (a monster truck, not an imac), and Dustin LOVES it. That was probably his favorite present. Apparently, Tim loved it too, because a week later, another one showed up on our door step. He reasoned that he needed one so they could drive "together". Who am I to argue with male bonding?

I have so many updates to give, I'll need another blog. But for now, I just want to say happy birthday to my boys. I love you both so much!

Since Our Life is Measured in Disney Vacations...

This is mine and Audrey's "mean face" on the bumper cars.

Just proof that my kids really do love each other. Awww

I finally have a reason to update my blog! I realize I've skipped Christmas and New Years, and even though I'm late, I wanted to say that they were both great. We had our first Christmas at home by ourselves, and it was really fun. We've started a tradition on Christmas Eve of opening PJ's, that we all put on, then we open a game, that we all play together, and then the kids open special Christmas books that we read before bedtime. We played a game called Break the Ice, and the kids loved How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and The Spirit of Christmas for our evening reading. Dustin was over the moon about his R/C helicopters Christmas morning, and Audrey was in love with her princess dress-up's and an Ariel doll. We went over to Flo for Christmas dinner and my sister was there with her husband which made it so great. New Years, Brian and Ann came over and Tim did his first 5K race with Brain at midnight. My kids love their kids, and it was a fun adventure to go and cheer the daddy's on. Good job Timmah!

Since we live to go on vacation (mostly to Disneyland), and my blog really only gets updated after we go somewhere, I think I'm going to rename my blog, "We Live For Disney!" It's really more accurate. But this trip was especially great. Here is why this trip was SO WONDERFUL! We got 4 plane tickets from Eugene to LAX round trip, for $353! Thank you Allegiant! The weather was 78 and sunny every day, the parks were totally empty, with hardly any wait, my mom was able to take the week off and spend every day with us, we went to the beach and watched the surfers at Dana Point, built a sand turtle, Tim and Dustin played in the waves, and Dustin tried boogie boarding (for about 5 seconds till he had his first wipe out and tumbled in the sand). He came running back to the blanket, threw a towel over his head, and said, "That..was horrible." Poor guy. We got to see World of Color again and we also saw Fantasmic for the first time. I love the shows, Disney has a way of making me feel emotional in a good way. I got to sunbathe and the kids went swimming outside, and best of all, I never had to cook! The kids were so great the whole time, not a single melt-down. Thanks mom for the great time!

Preschool Christmas Program

The kids had their Christmas program last week. I can't even say how much I absolutely loved watching them. It was so fun to have both of them on stage this year. And it's so sad to think this is Dustin's last preschool program. Dustin did so well, I was shocked. He sang every word, and did every hand motion perfectly. A big change from the primary program in which he cried for me the entire time. (Seriously, he sat there reaching his arms out for me, crying, and mouthing, "I WANT YOU MOM," for the whole program.) Audrey didn't really sing, but at least she didn't cry. She was a Bethlehem villager, and of course she had the most sparkly costume we could find. Dustin was a shepherd and I'm sorry, but I have to say that I have the most talented shepherd and villager in the world ;)

Singin' In the Rain

My good pal Kristen Moss did a photo shoot for us and I wanted to show you guys how stinkin' cute my kids are! (But you have to look surprised when the Christmas cards come ;)

Did you guys catch that glee episode with Gwyneth Paltrow? I LOVED it. I've decided that the mash up of Singing in the Rain and Umbrella is going to be my theme song for living in Eugene. Cause I've spoken numbers with our mortgage company several times this month and it turns out we are unable to refinance, so renting our house is out, and it's not likely we can afford to sell...in short...we're stuck. I'm still hopeful the right family will come along and give us a great offer, but I am choosing to make the best of what we've got for now :) I'm taking lots of vitamin D, got my gym pass, and I am going to find a tanning bed so I can stay sane through the winter. We are planning some remodeling and touch ups to our house that will (hopefully) add a little room. Yes, it may be raining, but I am singing gosh darn it!

In other news, I ran the EWEB half marathon with my dear pal Sara last week, and it was SO MUCH better than running a full marathon. I had a great friend to train with, and it was only half as far! It took me 2 hours and 16 minutes. Not great, but I just wanted to jog the whole time and finish. And I did.

We had the first snow of the year and there was maybe a half inch on the ground and all the schools closed! It's so funny to me, being from Canada an' all! But the kids were SO EXCITED! I've never seen Dustin so happy! They caught snowflakes on their tongues, had a snowball fight, and had some great times.

Andrew turned one. They are still looking for family to place him with, but we're hopeful we can keep him.. He just kinda fits in. Having 3 kids is hard, but I can't really remember what it was like without him now.

We had Thanksgiving with our friends the Bergesens and that was a great meal! I later had the worst Black Friday experience at Toys R Us ever, but I won't get into that now. Let's just leave it at; 5 hours of waiting in lines. Nuff said.

Anyway, Christmas time is here! We don't have anyone coming to stay with us at this point, so if you want to...we LOVE company!!!! I really mean that. I love having people to share holidays with. And we can all sing in the rain together! Woot woot!

I am so Grateful For YOU!!!

Yes, I mean YOU! I was struggling so badly last week, and I can't even tell you how many wonderful people came into my life to help. I'm so sorry if I forgot you, but please know I love and appreciate you.

Thank you Kristin for telling me I'm ok and you feel the same way too, AND for the amazing photo shoot, AND for making me cupcakes. I can't even tell you how much that meant to me. Like I said, you're my new best friend. Sorry, you're stuck with me!

Thank you LeaAnne and Rune for making everything possible so I could go to Time Out for Women. Thanks for arranging everything, thanks for my ticket, thanks for watching my kids, thanks for driving, and thanks for being my friend. What a blessing you guys are in our lives. I owe you. Big Time. Thanks to all the wonderful gals I met and got to see again and to all the people who put up with me. Really.

Thanks to my Dad and Robin for taking care of our kids for the night. I cannot say how badly Tim and I needed a night away. And I know it probably wasn't easy. And you're probably pretty tired. But I appreciate it.

Thanks to Jaime and Sara for being there for me when I was at the end of my rope. You guys are great friends. Sara, you are the best running partner, EVER. Thanks so much for checking on me when Tim was gone...on your birthday...you're the best. Jaime, thank you for being so willing to help me every time I need you.

Thanks Paige for being the best visiting teacher on the planet. I honestly mean it. The times you have brought me meals, or watched my kids have been SO NEEDED.

And to Tim, thank you for EVERYTHING! I can't possibly write it all down. Happy Anniversary! I love you.

I know there's others I'm not writing about and please know that I'm grateful. My hands have felt SO FULL lately and I've been feeling so inadequate. It's been especially hard because I like to be the one to help other people. And it's really hard to admit that I sometimes need help. Holy snikies, do I need help. And there you all have been. THANK GOODNESS FOR YOU!!!

Pediatricians Are the Devil

Ok, to be fair, it is not only the pediatrician that I am likening to the devil. It is the whole doctors office experience. Yes, I am grateful for healthcare, yada, yada, yada. Hear me out, and you'll understand why I'm complaining. I called to get an appointment for the baby who hurt his arm, (Because Audrey tried to drag him across the floor. The Mother of the Year Award is not in my future) anyway, they said, "Yes, we have an opening at 2:00, (It was 1:40) can you come in right away?" I said I would do my best. We were at Toys R Us trying to exchange an r/c helicopter that broke the very first time Dustin tried it. So I had to drag my kids away from the toys and get in line and when we get to the front, Audrey announces that she has to go potty, "Really, realllllyyy baaaad." I leave the toy at the front, take 3 kids to the potty, come back and get in line AGAIN to exchange our toy. Finally it's our turn, but the nice 18-year-old isn't competent enough to do an exchange. I don't have time to wait because it's now 5 min to 2:00, so I bag the whole thing, and drag Dustin out screaming that he wants his helicopter.

We get to the doctors office just a couple of minutes late. We wait for about 20 minutes before being called back to wait in our room. Then we wait for an HOUR AND 30 MINUTES inside a tiny room with no toys, no snacks, no ANYTHING, to see the doctor. Couldn't they have let me know I didn't have to rush over because they were an HOUR behind schedule? The kids were going nuts. Climbing all over everything, yelling, fighting, the baby is screaming because it's way past nap time, it feels like it's 200 degrees in this room and I am seriously hoping the Apocalypse will start happening so my suffering might end.

Mercifully, the assistant came in and gave us crayons and pedialite popsicles. Thank goodness for her, because she was the only reason I didn't start threatening people's lives. She also tried to discipline my kids by telling them to stop talking while she's trying to talk, or telling them they can't climb on this or that. I was so far out of my right mind that I didn't have the ability to keep my kids from jumping off things, but I was kinda bothered she felt like I was so incapable that she needed to step in. I was a tiny bit grateful, because I knew she was trying to help, but still. Anyway, she took pity on me, and kept on telling me how full my hands are. I've never quite understood the, "Wow, you sure have got your hands full," expression. Is it just pity? Are they saying it to be nice? Or is it more like, "Wow, maybe you should have found a more reliable form of birth control.." Because that's exactly how I felt. When the doctor finally came in, he was completely overwhelmed. The kids attacked him, the baby was crying, he couldn't finish his sentences. He kept mentioning things like, "injuries are common in large families" or "you don't work, right?" and the infamous "you've got your hands full." I was sure at any moment he was going to ask me to speak to a group of teenagers about abstinence and the consequences of sex. I just wanted to stand up on the chair and scream, "We've been in this room for an hour and a half waiting for YOU, the pediatrician (who specializes in kids), and you can't function in here for 5 minutes!!!! I only have ONE biological child in this room, the other I rescued from the foster care system, and the other I am caring for out of the goodness of my heart because his mom is a meth addict!!! If you can do better, wait here, and I'll be back in an HOUR AND A HALF."

Sigh, I thought about playing the foster parent card, but I hate the stigma that goes with the "Foster Parent" title. Plus I love that no one ever guesses we have foster kids or adopted kids. Anyway, the baby was fine. Nothing broken. Except my pride. So today, I've had Lucky Charms and McDonalds because I'm depressed and feeling like a completely inadequate mother and can't think of any reason to try and look decent. If you're going to the doctors office, beware, you may find the devil instead, and he most certainly will be wearing a stethoscope.