Monday, September 26, 2011

Baby Blues

School is in full swing for both Audrey and Dustin. Audrey is going to Madison Teens and Tots and she seems to enjoy it. She likes having a teen partner to do whatever she asks. Like pushing her on the swing, or coloring fish, flowers and ladybugs. She is growing up so fast. Dustin loves riding the bus home from kindergarten and I'm so happy with his teacher. And even though having a four-year-old and five-year-old is great, and I feel really blessed, I really miss having a baby. I love that both my kids are big enough to go potty, put on seat belts and get themselves dressed, but I feel like we've pretty much climbed over the baby hill and we're starting to march through the trenches of all things "kid." I've always been hopeful for another pregnancy and I'm worried that if it doesn't happen soon, the age gap will be too great and it will feel like starting all over again.

So what to do? I hear a lot of people tell me, "At least you got one! You should be thankful!" And of course I am. And I'm so grateful for a successful adoption. A son and a daughter is a huge blessing. I totally recognize that. But it is still devastating to hear that the fertility medication didn't work and my next option is IVF. But that doesn't feel right. I'm positive there's other things that can be done. The Fertility Center has been a joke these past five years. I feel like all they want is my money. Isn't there some great doctor out there who will actually care about me and take the time to figure out why its not working?

I'm sitting on a metaphoric fence. On one side, I climb down and sell all of my baby stuff, accept that I have a cute family of 4, and move on. Getting off on the other side means spending lots of time and money, going through grueling tests, lab results, and medications that make me cry for no reason, and give me hot flashes so hot I feel like I'm one fire. (I'm so sorry for every woman who has gone through menopause. From what I can tell, it basically sucks) And while the physical part of infertility is, well, crappy. It's the emotional aspect that really roughs you up. Trying to understand "why?" is a dark and dangerous void that can suck you up and make you feel completely worthless. But it's all for the hope that I will get to bring one more spirit into the world. And how can I say it's not worth the price, or struggle?

I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way except everyone in my world has just had a baby, or is pregnant, and Andrew is no longer my baby. I'm usually really positive, or I at least try to be, but the "why?" void is so easy to get sucked up into. I know its going to be ok, I just wish I had some direction. I wish the very best of luck to anyone going through anything similar.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I Was Anti-Blogger for a While, But I'm Over it

Blogger really made me mad a while ago. I made a huge post with video, pictures, and plenty of gut busting dialoge, and do you know what happened?? Blogger started having technical difficulties, and erased the WHOLE THING. I also can't stand how long it takes to load anything on this site, but as my title says, I'm over it. I figure it's worth it to have something to look back on, because we all know that I'm anti-scrapbooking/crafts/anything that requires a glue gun. So, here goes...

I last posted 6 months ago, and we have been on several adventures since then. Easter happened, which was fun and cute and full of candy and egg hunting. Dustin graduated preschoool. I really loved Norkenzie. Audrey and Dustin met so many great friends in their classes and had a great year. Both the kids took swimming lessons which and it was so great to have them in the pool at the same time. Then Dustin went to Safety Town for 2 weeks which was such a great program! He loved it and learned so much! We went to Saint George and celebrated Audreys birthday. Then we went and stayed with my Mom and had our very first adventure at Knotts Berry Farm which had some super fun and amazing roller coasters and we got to visit with my sister and her husband.

Audrey turned 4 and she had a super fantastic day. Her Aunt made her the amazing my little pony cake, and she got spoiled at her grandparents house. Then Tim and I took the kids to the circus, which was really fun, and she had her party at ChuckECheese with all her friends. She is so fun right now and getting so big! She is starting preschool at Madison Middle School this year, and I hope she loves it as much as Norkenzie.

Dustin started kindergarten this year and I cannot believe he is in elementary school. I struggled to know which school would be best for him, but Irving has been really great so far and I love, love, love, Mrs. Boling. He's still getting to know his classmates, but he only goes from 8:30-11:00 M-F, so it's taking time to make friends. He also is so happy to ride the bus home which adds a little extra time for me. My neighbor Stephanie and I are carpooling our kids for preschool and Irving, and it is so wonderful to have a next-door neighbor with kids the same age and in the same schools! It is such a blessing to have her help this year.

Andrew also went to live with his grandma this summer which was hard. He was with us for nearly a year and I was sad to see him go. I was hoping he would be our third, but maybe 4 is the number for us. I won't dwell on it, because I'm trying to be positive, but we are taking a break from foster care. It's just too hard.

I hope I will be more diligent in keeping up with the events in our lives. Mostly because I feel like my kids aren't going to be little for very much longer and I have to document every cute thing before it's over!