Baby Blues

School is in full swing for both Audrey and Dustin. Audrey is going to Madison Teens and Tots and she seems to enjoy it. She likes having a teen partner to do whatever she asks. Like pushing her on the swing, or coloring fish, flowers and ladybugs. She is growing up so fast. Dustin loves riding the bus home from kindergarten and I'm so happy with his teacher. And even though having a four-year-old and five-year-old is great, and I feel really blessed, I really miss having a baby. I love that both my kids are big enough to go potty, put on seat belts and get themselves dressed, but I feel like we've pretty much climbed over the baby hill and we're starting to march through the trenches of all things "kid." I've always been hopeful for another pregnancy and I'm worried that if it doesn't happen soon, the age gap will be too great and it will feel like starting all over again.

So what to do? I hear a lot of people tell me, "At least you got one! You should be thankful!" And of course I am. And I'm so grateful for a successful adoption. A son and a daughter is a huge blessing. I totally recognize that. But it is still devastating to hear that the fertility medication didn't work and my next option is IVF. But that doesn't feel right. I'm positive there's other things that can be done. The Fertility Center has been a joke these past five years. I feel like all they want is my money. Isn't there some great doctor out there who will actually care about me and take the time to figure out why its not working?

I'm sitting on a metaphoric fence. On one side, I climb down and sell all of my baby stuff, accept that I have a cute family of 4, and move on. Getting off on the other side means spending lots of time and money, going through grueling tests, lab results, and medications that make me cry for no reason, and give me hot flashes so hot I feel like I'm one fire. (I'm so sorry for every woman who has gone through menopause. From what I can tell, it basically sucks) And while the physical part of infertility is, well, crappy. It's the emotional aspect that really roughs you up. Trying to understand "why?" is a dark and dangerous void that can suck you up and make you feel completely worthless. But it's all for the hope that I will get to bring one more spirit into the world. And how can I say it's not worth the price, or struggle?

I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way except everyone in my world has just had a baby, or is pregnant, and Andrew is no longer my baby. I'm usually really positive, or I at least try to be, but the "why?" void is so easy to get sucked up into. I know its going to be ok, I just wish I had some direction. I wish the very best of luck to anyone going through anything similar.