Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'm Starting to Feel Like a Human Again...

This was our little trip to the coast and Dustin's first kite flying experience. It was a great day. and the first pic is our little tiny baby. I just thought I should document the good stuff too!

Ok, so having 3 kids has left me almost no time to blog, (or shower, put on makeup, cook, or do pretty much anything that doesn't involve caring for kids!) but, my zombie-like behavior is down to merely laying on the couch all afternoon. And I still haven't gotten enough sleep to do very much cooking. But at least I'm not frothing at the mouth and mumbling incoherently. Well, we still have the foster baby (as you might have guessed). We are only on this list for short-term placement, but it's becoming obvious that this little guy is not going to be short term. So we are trying to decide what will be best for our family. If we keep him, there is a chance that he will be adoptable. There also is a chance that he will not, and we will raise him and be very attached to him, and then have to give him to another family.

I don't know what to do. I feel like it could go either way. I had a really spiritual experience when we first got Audrey, and I knew she was meant to be with us. But I haven't felt that same thing so far. There's moments when I'm sure he's meant to be with us, and other times, I feel...nothing. I don't feel like I've gotten an answer. And having a newborn has been really hard. There is never a time to get caught up on sleep or anything else when you have other kids (who aren't in school). For a while I felt like I had some amazing mothering skills, and I could give everyone the attention they need, and still do my calling and all my other commitments. But that was the honeymoon. And the honeymoon is over. Now I feel tired all the time, I yell at my kids because I'm tired all the time, and our schedule is way too full. I haven't been able to go to the gym much, and that makes a huge difference in my level of grouchiness. I'm in survival mode right now.

My girlfriend asked me the other day why I do it. Well, it is hard to care and love kids that aren't your own. And yet, I honestly feel like this is a calling from Heavenly Father. Not necessarily this baby in particular, but caring for kids who don't have Mom's or Dad's or even a home to live in, or who have come from abusive situations is the gospel at it's most basic. Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, helping the sick. I really feel like their little spirits appreciate what we do for them, no matter what the outcome ends up being. The foster system isn't perfect, but these kids really are everybody's children, and if I don't care for this little guy...who will? It is so hard to say no, when we have been given so much, and these kids have nothing. Although, there have been many times I have had to say no. I just don't know if this is one of those times.

Anyway, I appreciate all your love and prayers and support. And thanks for reading my rambling! And just in case my husband reads this, I have to give him some credit because he has been amazing since we got this little guy (not that he wasn't amazing before). But he has totally stepped it up. He gets up for feedings and diaper changes, scrubs toilets, makes meals, and most importantly, he puts up with me. I love you.

And thanks to all our wonderful friends. If any of you feel any inspiration for me...lemme know!


Lima Bean said...

Wow. I was thinking about you just yesterday and wondering if you still had that little newborn in your house. What a thing to take on--really, it's very admirable of you and Tim to give that unselfishly to such a helpless little guy. Especially when you don't know what the future with him will be for your family.

Thanks for sharing your insights about it. You inspire me and I love reading your blog. I especially love the part about it being the gospel at its finest. You're so right.

Ann said...

It's incredible. YOU're incredible. Seriously. I don't even know what else to say. I have no idea how I could ever handle the situation you're in. But your darn right--doing what you're doing is definitely exemplifies what it SHOULD mean to be Christian. I cannot think of a more Christlike service than caring for those babies. You are amazing, Jen. Your mansion in heaven is getting bigger by the day. Yours probably has like three play rooms already!

Becky said...

“When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.” Jeffrey R. Holland, “‘Because She Is a Mother’,” Ensign, May 1997

Jen I am in awe of you! My only advice on what to do with the baby is to continue to "pound on the door of heaven" and you will get an answer maybe not when you want it but it will come. Just know that you are a SUPERHERO MOM! And if cold cereal is on the menu now and then for dinner OH WELL Don't forget to take time for you too!